What To Do If You Have A Difficult Personality

How to know if You’re the Difficult One

How do we know if we have a difficult personality, or we just think we do?  First, let’s be clear-- everyone has flaws and there is no perfect personality. But if you have a pattern of difficult personality traits, it will usually show up in your relationships. Here are a few ways to tell.

You are the Center of the Drama

Do you you always seem to be at the center of drama and spend a great deal of your time and energy brooding about it? Maybe you always find yourself in conflict with someone at the office, and nearly everyone including your most easy-going colleague has lashed out at you. Perhaps  even family or true friends have called you out on your  behaviors. Or, they always have to phrase statements a “certain” way for you to understand them, and walk on eggshells around you. If any of these sound familiar,  then you may be struggling with difficult personality traits.

Your Relationships Never Go As Planned

If you are struggling with difficult personality traits, it’s  probably costing you your relationships. Maybe you have conflicting ideals (e.g., you want people to like you but you also want to be in control), have a rigid way of perceiving situations, and/or have a  low tolerance for anyone who does not see things the way you do. While you may have family that will always love you or you’re lucky enough to have some true friends that have stuck around, you likely have a much more difficult time maintaining positive family relationships, friendships, and/or romantic relationships than you would otherwise.

It’s Never You

Perhaps you may feel that others, not you, are the problem. Some with problematic personality traits, including those with traits severe enough to qualify as personality disorder, rarely ever question their behaviors or consider that they may be at fault during a conflict. This can cause quite a few problems, if not for them, then everyone else-- and they probably don’t read articles like this with themselves in mind. On the other hand, you may have come a long darn way in trying to improve yourself and your relationships, which by the way is highly commendable. But you still genuinely struggle with seeing or understanding situations from another’s perspective.

What to Do if you have Difficult Personality Traits

A major difference between those with difficult personality traits and those who are well, less difficult is that at some point, they were distressed by their relationships enough to consider they needed to make some changes to the way they interact with others. And while this process may be difficult, you don’t have to be. Here are some tips to follow.

Thoughts Happen- Be Aware

Sometimes thoughts happen so quickly that they occur below our level of awareness. But just because you aren’t aware of them, doesn’t mean they don’t have a big impact on the way you feel and behave. I remember times when I’d immediately assume someone didn’t like something I said or did and for no particular reason other than fear- fear of being judged or not liked, or fear of having to re-live a negative experience. When we automatically assume the worst, it places us on the defense, and defensive people don’t exactly give off the warm and fuzzies.

Check Your Patterns

We humans are pretty predictable. We can come in contact will all different kinds of people from all over the world but we usually have a limited repertoire of behavioral styles we use to interact with them. And these behaviors are based upon a pattern of thoughts and feelings that drive how we see ourselves, how we see others, and how we see ourselves in relation to others. What are some patterns of thoughts and feelings you notice you have when you meet a new person, are out and about with friends, talking with coworkers, or just spending time with family? It’s important to check the way you think, feel, and behave for any unhealthy patterns you need to break.

Be Adjustable

It’s one thing to understand our unhealthy patterns of interactions, but another thing to know what to do about it. Those with relatively healthy personality traits have learned to adjust their behaviors or empathize more easily than others. But our behavioral patterns are so ingrained in us that it is difficult to change behaviors we know are not good for us, or behaviors that once worked for us. Maybe being defensive worked when you were constantly being attacked, but now that you are no longer around those people, you still respond the same way, even though you don’t have to, and even though it may not be good for you. If you can relinquish some of your rigidity even before you think you’re ready to, you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that you are still okay afterwards.

Try Something New

Once you decide you’re going to start making some adjustments to the way you relate, then you have to decide which behaviors to adjust to. It’s time to consider some new, healthier ways to relate to both yourself and others. Let’ say you have a  problem with external validation and need attention, you’ll first want to gain some understanding of the source of these issues and consider healthier ways to satisfy those needs. This isn’t easy to do, and many people opt for professional help to do it, particularly if they’ve behaved the same way for years. But any new behavior starts with a simple decision to do it.

Setbacks are Part of the Process

Usually when we are trying to get rid of old, unhealthy patterns of relating, it takes a minute before we can see some lasting changes. You’ll probably stumble along the way because, let’s face it, you don’t go from being the difficult co-worker in the office to being Mary Poppins in a couple of days. And it’s not so much about how others’ perceive you as much as it is about how you perceive yourself and others, which is typically the root of the problem. If someone says something that triggers you, you may resort to old patterns of relating such as shutting down or attacking. But instead of looking at it like a setback, consider it an opportunity to behave differently next time so you’ll be less vulnerable to others’ slights against you.

Stay Compassionate- You are Not Your Personality Problems

Any changes towards a healthy personality style begins with self-compassion to know that you are not your personality problems. You may feel that way because your personality is so much a part of you. But problematic personality traits are really just unhealthy coping skills you have acquired to help you get through life. Once you can see yourself, with all your good qualities and quirks, as separate from your personality problems it will be easier to shed them. Visualize how you would feel about yourself and others if you did not have to deal with the insecurities and fears that are at the root of your personality problems. Your relationships with others would probably improve because people would see a difference in the way you relate to yourself and them.

These are just a few tips and are not meant to take the place of clinical treatment. If you are struggling with problematic personality traits and relationship problems too severe to handle on your own, try seeking the assistance of a professional. It may be more helpful than you realize.

Recap: Modern + Fun NYC Studio

Hi There! This week I wanted to share with you a house I toured over the holidays. It's the home of interior designer, Molly Torres. She lives in NYC with her fiance, Hary Portnof. Molly's home is modern, young and fun, and right next door to the Empire State Building (definitely a wow factor)! But one of the things I really enjoyed about Molly's home is the passion she put into decorating it. Creating a home you're passionate about is really a catalyst for a passionate life, wouldn't you say?  According to design psychology, a home that fulfills your aesthetic, social, and psychological needs, to name a few, encourages you to be more fully expressive in other areas of your life, both personally and professionally.

Molly's passion for her home is reflected in her attention to detail, and the creative ways she has made the physical challenges of the space work for her and Harry. When Molly first moved in, the space was more like a dorm room. But guided by her vision, she turned the 520 square foot studio into a chic home with clearly delineated spaces that both her and her Harry love. See some pics from the tour below:

I love the way Molly incorporated her fiancé's love of music (he is a music producer) with her more feminine aesthetic. Being able to decorate for everyone in the home goes a long way with fostering in them, a sense of pride and belonging. For me, it's been a challenge to incorporate my husband's interests, particularly since the aesthetics of home have not been a priority for him. But I've realized it's not so much about how attuned others who share your space, are with the aesthetics, as it is about allowing them to be reflected in the home in some way that is aesthetically and psychologically pleasing to everyone.

 How challenging has it been for you to incorporate the style or tastes of those you live with?

See the full article on Houzz.

These pictures originally appeared on March 13, 2017, on Houzz.

Decorating with Green: 1 Couch 2 Ways

Hey There! How have you been? I've been busy with my design psychology consulting service, working my full-time job, and being a mom of course. Working on my consulting service has really been a refreshing outlet, and I've been thinking a lot about how we can use our homes to encourage psychological, social, and spiritual well-being. So when the folks over at Douglas Elliman Florida Real Estate asked me to create a style board post in honor of Pantone's 2017 color of the year-- greenery, I thought it was a fun opportunity to think about how I would use green given its benefits. Used in moderation, green is life-affirming, and symbolizes new beginnings, growth, and vitality-- all the things that come to mind when we think of spring. And this definitely resonates with me because I'm constantly looking for ways to grow and reach my potential.

Green is such an accessible color because you can find it everywhere in nature. And there are a couple ways you can take green. If you know a little something about color, you may know that pairing complementary colors gives a feeling of excitement while pairing colors close on the color wheel tends to give a feeling of calm. So if you want to create excitement when using greenery or another shade of green, pair it with reds and oranges, or some variation like purple or fuchsia. On the other hand if you are looking for relative calm, trying pairing green with blue or yellow. I created two living rooms with a gorgeous green couch I've been wanting for a while, although at almost $10,000 I'll be happy with a less expensive option. It's a few shades deeper than greenery but you can get a feel for how green might work with colors to create a room that is more exciting or a room that's more calm. Check it out below.

Pair greens with fuchsias and/or oranges for a feeling of excitement.

Pair green with blues and yellows for a more calming effect.

Which room do you think is more you? As you can see I incorporated plants which is a great, easy, and inexpensive way to add greenery to your décor. What other colors do you like to pair with green?

Sources:

Room 1

1. rug 2. couch 3. coffee table 4. picture 5. plant 6. books 7. chairs 8. side table 9. lamp 10. floors 11. window   12. pillows 13. curtains

Room 2

1. rug 2. picture 3. chairs 5. lamp 6. pillows 7. curtains

Recap: Charming Folksy Style in Brooklyn

Touring homes for Houzz has become one of my favorite things to do. I consider myself to be a keeper of stories, and my understanding of others has been enhanced because of it. As a psychologist, I've gotten to hear stories about others' emotional life, and as an interior design writer I get to hear about their emotional life as it's reflected in their home. To be able to go into people's homes, hear their home stories, and document all this is important to them is not a privilege I take lightly. 

Last month I had the opportunity to tour the home of an Etsy seller at Mamakea Vintage, and her boyfriend, a vintage tech-recycler. Not only were they a cool couple to work with, but their home personifies their free-spirited, creative approach to life. It's filled with keepsakes, chotchkies from their many road trips, and vintage technology. Even if folksy isn't your thing, it's hard not to admire the way they have been able to use their home as an extension of everything that is important to them-- being environmentally conscious, celebrating their ancestry, and furnishing their home with objects that hold personal meaning. Here are a few pics I took from the tour.

Clearly the plants are the star of this homey pad.  There's just something about plants in a home— they give it life, serenity, and the sense that the residents are truly caring individuals.

Read the full article on Houzz.

These pictures originally appeared on December 27, 2016, on Houzz.

Recap: Coping With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

Hey folks! When The Everygirl asked me to write about ways to cope with difficult relatives over this holiday season, I wanted to be able to share all that I've learned in hopes that it would make someone's family holiday gathering just a little more pleasant. I think it's a topic that's relevant to a lot of us who have had to brace ourselves for dealing with those relatives that require an extra dose of inner strength. Some of us grow up with an impression of what a near perfect family should be, and it can be hard not to use it as a barometer for our own family experience. Others of us just want a functioning family, never mind perfect. Whatever your family challenges are, there may be some comfort in knowing that you are not your family. Still each of us has a unique impact on our family dynamics, and we can learn to interact with relatives, especially difficult ones, in ways that facilitate our own inner growth. Here are a few tips I mentioned in the article:

1. Deck the halls with self-reflection

What do you think your reaction to your difficult relatives says about you? This may be an easy question to answer for some, and more difficult for others. But it is a question worth answering if you want to learn a little more about yourself. I’ve had relatives who embarrassed me to no end, and I realized it was mostly because I felt they were a reflection of me. I had difficulty disassociating my identity from theirs and felt invested in making sure they were more perfect so I could appear to be, too. This type of self-understanding helped me to address personal issues such as my inclination to feel responsible for family issues outside of my control, and may do the same for you. 

2. Put a label on it

What do you think is wrong with your relatives? Are they pompous, untrustworthy, bullies? Maybe they have a legitimate personality problem. Whatever it is, label it. While I normally wouldn’t recommend boxing people into categories, in this context we can take a cue from doctors who use this method to make it a little easier to understand and manage patient symptoms. Trying to attach a label to your difficult relative's “symptoms” may be a helpful way to detach yourself, and see your relative’s behavior more objectively. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend sharing this label with the difficult relative unless you are looking for a full-force blow out. But used for your own purposes, it can create a healthy distance between you and the difficult relative, and may make it easier to not take it so personally. 

3. Wear their shoes

Perhaps taking an empathic stance might minimize your negative reactions towards difficult relatives. Do you know how your difficult relative got to be so difficult? Maybe they had a challenging childhood. Maybe they feel misunderstood and cope by lashing out. Or just maybe they are trying to connect with you and don’t know how. Whatever it is, knowing a little bit about them adds a different dimension to their behaviors that may make them a little easier to tolerate. 

4. Check your perspective

If you are anticipating a stressful family holiday gathering due to one or more difficult relatives, you are probably thinking of all the ways they are going to get on your nerves. This does nothing to put you in the holiday spirit, and may make you anxious and uptight. But if you want to have a better attitude about it, engage in a relaxing activity like exercising or journaling before the gathering to get you physically and emotionally prepared to deal with the family chaos. Relaxing allows you to think more clearly so that when your difficult relatives come at you, you are better prepared to deal with them. 

Read the full article on The Everygirl.

This article originally appeared December 14, 2016, on The Everygirl.

Five Tips for Not Feeling Disgruntled While Antique Shopping

Antique shopping is one of my favorite things to do.  Flea markets, garage sales, second-hand shops, estate sales and sometimes even someone’s trash (yes trash!) can all be great places to find those one-of-a-kind pieces. I love sifting through objects with a sense of history, finding treasure amongst the “junk,” and scoring a great find for way less than what it’s worth. But there are many times when I find nothing at all, and oh man, it’s frustrating. Perhaps you are able to easily access great antique shops like the ones features in this article by  Invaluable.com; but if you are not, you might be suffering from a bad case of weak antiquitis. Trust me, I can relate. Unlike the booming flea markets and vintage shops I see on television— you know the ones with the quirky sellers who always have awesome period furniture, many of the flea markets and vintage shops I visit often do not have what I'm looking for.  But I find the more experience you have with antique shopping, the better you’ll get at scoring those unique vintage pieces. So if you’ve been a little disgruntled lately about making what may seem like wasted trips looking for antique treasures, here are some tips I’ve learned along the way that may make you feel like it’s worth your while.

1. Be Consistent. No matter how fed up I get when I come home empty-handed from antique shopping, I keep going back to the same places, often to flea markets or secondhand stores where I’ve found great vintage pieces at least once before. In psychology, we call this intermittent reinforcement because I’m being reinforced by the idea that there’s always a chance I’ll find another great item “this time.” Many expert antique shoppers take full advantage of this method by going to the same shops consistently to increase the chances of finding those special pieces. In fact, I know antique hunters who spend hours and hours a week searching for their “buried treasure.” Now I know what you’re thinking, who has time for that? I get it— most people including myself, have full-time jobs and other responsibilities that make it difficult to make elaborate trips during the week to a flea market 30 miles away. But maybe there are some local stores you can hit en route to or from work. Perhaps you pass the Salvation Army or a little vintage shop every day. Take a few minutes to stop in. You may be finally able to catch those one-of-a-kind pieces you’ve been searching for. And just by going into the store more often, you’ll be familiar with the merchandize, develop a sharper sense of what you like and don’t like, and spot something new and interesting much more quickly than you would have if you didn’t visit the store more regularly.   

2.  Do Your Homework. While consistency is key, you also don’t want to feel like you’re hitting your head against a brick wall by constantly going into a store that almost “never” has anything you are looking for. So in order to avoid this, do some homework, and find out about other sellers in your area. Estate sales are a great place to shop. You can almost always be sure to find one, and unlike garage sales, the owners are not in the home during the sale so they’re not likely to raise the prices of things they are emotionally attached to. You can go on to estatesales.net to find a bunch of estate sales in your area. Every home is different, and you can find a lot of interesting pieces. I find it so fascinating to go into people’s home and see how they lived, particularly older folks who may have had the home for fifty or more years. It’s kind of like being in a museum and often the price points are varied so there’s usually something for everyone.

3. Be Timely. If you’re antique shopping with a specific purchase in mind, and you know where to find it, you may experience an underlying sense of urgency.  I've often rushed to purchase something for fear someone will get it and I’d regret it for the rest of my life. But while we're all bound to miss out on a great sale or two, there are some things you can do to minimize the chances of missing out on those must-have items. Most of the highly sought after antique pieces are often sold quickly, so you’d want to be among the first customers on any given day to avoid missing out on the chance to buy the good stuff. With flea markets and garage sales in particular, the converse is also true. That is, it is good to go at the end of the day, when sellers are reluctant to keep large items and will likely lower their prices to get rid of their stock. However, this usually works for items that are not in high demand or the sellers have more than one of the item you are looking for.

4. Keep an Open Mind. Often when I am out vintage shopping, I try not to be preoccupied with any specific purchases I may have in mind. While I'm all for hoping for the best, I usually remind myself to relax and keep an open mind about it. Often, I find the best things when I’m not looking for them, or I find things I may not have thought I wanted at the time until I saw them. Shopping this way is much more carefree and if you don’t find anything special, you won’t feel like you lost out so much. As for those specific pieces I want,  I try to be more deliberate in my search for those items by searching for it online instead of leaving it up to chance when I’m out antiquing.  This way, I'll be less likely to feel let down by not finding it.

5. Enjoy the process. While you may not always find great vintage pieces, you are probably learning a lot more than you think  just by going through the process. Personally, I enjoy learning about the history of different objects, learning what shops are good for which items, and all about the coolest antique stores from shopkeepers or other shoppers. And all of this works to make me a more experienced antique shopper. So when you’re feeling a little bummed out about coming home from a shopping trip empty-handed, realize that it is all part of the process of becoming a pro antique shopper, which is nothing to feeling disgruntled about.

What are some of your experiences while antique shopping? Feel free to share your shopping tips in the comments below!