The Unfinished Home (And My Time Away)

It’s’ been about three years since I wrote a blog post, and I never meant to be gone that long. I only intended to stop blogging for a short time until I pulled certain things together. There were goals I wanted to accomplish like jump-start my children’s book writing career, create my design psychology classes, and move forward with my consultation services, all while maintaining my job as a psychological evaluator. So several weeks turned into months, which turned into years. I told myself I was just taking a short break, and felt somewhat good about it. It was a relief to have less work to do, to not feel pressure to present a business and brand without the resources to make it what I wanted. I used the time to step back and re-evaluate my values. Did I want to be consumed with frustration over not having the content I wanted to deliver, posting things under pressure to post something and struggling to make it feel consistent with my vision for my business? Or did I want to slow it down (even though I was over 40 and felt way behind), and let it be okay to take time to pull things together? I decided to do the latter knowing at some point I’d return. I completed my children’s writing course, wrote a few hopefully-soon-to-be published stories, put together a psychology of dress class, focused on offering design psychology services , and continued my interior design studies. All of this outside of the realm of blogging and social media. In fact, I stopped going on social media almost completely, and felt the break was much needed. Fighting the anxiety of comparison and the pull to allow others’ stories to make me feel like I’m not where I should be became a distraction that prevented me from truly seeing what was on my own plate. I am learning to be more in the moment and focus on things in my life that are also valuable beyond career (like my family). Thankfully, being in the moment (what mindfulness and mediation is all about) helps to slow down my “what-if”, “I-don’t-have”, and “what-if-I-never” thoughts. I had not set a date to return but felt it was time to start again, only slower and more focused, and more mindful of purpose—God’s purpose for me.

While away, I also had time to focus on my home. I moved into my home about seven years ago; and did not hire a designer to help me decorate; nor did I have a budget set aside for decorating. A design psychology client of mine once asked me what I tell my clients about how to complete a decoration project when they do not have a budget. And it got me thinking that there are probably many of us who do not really have a budget for decorating, although it would be nice.  I shared that it may be helpful to set aside a savings, no matter how small, from each paycheck for furniture pieces we chose. This is meant to keep the decorating progress moving no matter how slow. However, for myself, my home evolved even more organically than that. While I had a vision for my home, I did not have pieces necessarily picked out as I do for clients. I spent much of my time curating; and had no way of knowing when I would find the “right” piece, or if I did, would it be within my budget. From my own experience curating a home overtime, here are a few things I’ve learned along with some pics of my home so far (you may also recognize them from my newly updated website, *wink*).

1.       Learn to be happy while your home is the way it is.

 This is a loaded statement, I know. How can we be happy about an unfinished home? For some it may stop them from having the dinner parties they envisioned or having friends over. Others may be so preoccupied with the vision of a decorated home in their head that they couldn’t possibly figure out how to be happy with the current state of it. I can relate to all of these; yet while it may be difficult to be happy with the way your home is now, it’s an opportunity to realize that happiness isn’t created by having a fully put together decor as much as happiness is reflected in the decor. In much the same way, insecurities thrive when your value is inextricably tied to your level of success, not when you understand that any success is really only a reflection of your value. In psychology, we call this being internally motivated rather than intrinsically motivated. So if everything isn’t in place, learn to sit in that reality and be okay anyway, knowing you’ll make it better with pieces that you truly love rather than lesser adequate pieces that don’t reflect you. That brings me to my next point.

2.       It’s okay to wait for what you really want.

I have an area in my home that has been empty for a while. I’ve been looking for a console table, and bought a few less than adequate pieces I’ve since gotten rid of. Of course, I didn’t quite know they weren’t adequate at the time. I  bought them because I thought they could possibly be something, only to realize they weren’t. I had that gut feeling you get when you know it isn’t right but you’re still trying to work with it. By the time I got through a few poor choices, I had time to think about what I really wanted. I saw consoles in interior books and mags that actually excited me, and I became more certain about choice. As of now, I still have not found the piece, but I’ll certainly know it when I see it. And I learned a valuable lesson. The more I thought about and searched for the console that I wanted, the more I realized what I really wanted. I had to imagine, ponder, and visualize it. In psychology, we refer to this as divergent thinking, a key component of creativity. It allows us to look beyond the obvious to see things in different or unique ways. It allows us to persistently ask “what if?” This actually requires strenuous effort and dedication, as any artist or creative person will tell you. But if you persevere and don’t give in to the need to fill a space, the piece you find will likely be more meaningful and a more authentic expression of you.

3.        Make what you have as great as you can until you get better.

I have a friend who can make the most mundane furnishings look good. It’s not necessarily about the furnishings, but more about her slight of hand. She puts her all into it, in the only way she could. And it feels warm and settled. Sometimes we can be overly focused on trends to make our home, and make us feel more…something. But really, it’s not what we truly enjoy about our home. Trends come and go, but a home that is warm, comfortable, and harmonious usually stays with us. My kids aren’t concerned with what is trendy, they just know it’s “home”. And as we get older, our childhood experience of home is what impacts our own home design. In design psychology, clients complete an environmental autobiography that helps determine what aspects of home they most connect to and why; and how they have attempted to recreate that, albeit unconsciously, in their own home. This allows them to create a home they connect with on a deeper, emotional level that goes beyond of-the-moment furniture. One practical way to make an unfinished room feel as great as you can is to clean it out and throw away what you no longer need or want (so you’re not looking at furniture you don’t want all day), and re-style what you do have. This can give you a new perspective on what you have, and allows you to better see what you really want. Next, just like my elusive console, leave the spaces that need filling blank—don’t put anything else in its place (unless you want to of course). This leaves room for you to imagine or envision the piece you want there. And often when you get the piece, it feels like it’s always been there.  A home should continue to grow with you,  and so you’ll likely repeat this process throughout your time in the home. So in that sense, a home is never truly finished, it is just evolving.  

Tell me about parts of your home that are not finished. How have you been dealing with it?